So after last week’s meeting with my agent I set my sights this week on getting new headshots, because, well, frankly I was STRONGLY ENCOURAGED to do so.  But instead of this being a hook line sinker decision-I found myself being really cautious.

Browsing around, I found the perfect person to do it! But instead of this being a hook line sinker decision, I found myself being really cautious.

Full disclosure, I didn’t have the happiest time the last time I got headshots- in fact I actually left in tears- and the whole reason I’ve waited over a year to get new ones is because my last time was so horrible and I felt  bad I spent; so much money on them I figured I might as well wait it out.

Needless to say  I’m willing to accept that maybe I have some preemptive judgments about photographers.

But more importantly, I mean its a lot of money to be spending RIGHT around the holidays. It’s not the easiest thing to happily fork over EXTRA money.  If I didn’t believe this photographer did good work  I know I’d feel like I’m fueling someone else’s creative endeavours instead of focussing on managing my own life.

Plus to top it off, although a couple of my friends told me this photographer had a promo, I wasn’t offered it.  Sure I like the headshots enough to pay full price .. but I also didn’t want to be taken as a fool And that goes back to the ” fueling others creative endeavours” thing I was talking about above or just throwing money at my career instead of believing in myself enough to ask for what I want.

So today I really had to sit down with myself and ask what this was all about.

I mean yes, I’m spending a nice chunk of change on these things. But I’m not the only one who is. Everyone gets headshots. Why is it a big deal if I do?

The ego has a lot of good reasons for why we shouldn’t do things doesn’t it??

In short, I’m having a hard time believing in the process or even more specifically,  my worthiness to trust the process.

This month in my acting class it is the same thing – we have the options of being in class or not it is just a two weeker. I felt kind of foolish paying, thinking “who else is going to be in class? will it just be me and some newbies who aren’t willing to stand up for themselves and their dignity? ”

But I decided it would be fun, so I might as well do it and last week was great!!

I guess I’m just trying to trust my needs -as a person and an actor- aren’t being indulgent or foolish going into this holiday season and forward into 2017