7 days into 2017 and already it’s been a bit of learning curve as i navigate finding a stronger voice, and being myself. This week has been all about feeling valued.

I got two auditions this week ( in january? WHAT?!! CRAZY! GAH I LOVE MY NEW AGENT!!!!!!!!) for commericals, which enough said- were strange and hilarious and weird.  It was affirming to be in the expereience again, running into old actor friends at the auditions, applying my knowledge of scenes to the auditions and just showing up and trying my best. I took a taxi from work to the auditions adding a bit of expenses glamour to my experience too.

All in all, it was a good first week of getting in the room and reminding myself of what i’m working towards, why I’m doing this, and what I am capable of- or working to be capable of.  But goddamn did it remind me of how little control I have in the grand scheme of thing . I mean to start-  I’m in the waiting room with girls of ALL nationalities, hair types, and sub hair types ( curly red hair, straight red hair, short red hair, long red hair, freckles+ red hair)- they have NO idea what they want.

But one audition in particular through me for a bit of a loop.  I was brought back for a call back n SOC role- silent on camera- which is flattering .. to know that even though i’m not in the running for the main part they still like me enough to want to use me! But at the audition , they told me to ” just sit there” while directing the other actors.( which to be fair, is probably how it would be on set) .  I did my best to just ” sit there” , as i buried myself in pretendding i was doing work ( after all- I’m a co-worker).  I sohuld note – ” doing work” was pretnedning to write on my hand.*** Not the smartest choice i’ve ever made in an audition.

So as I sit here waiting on whether or not I got it ( unlikely? likely? ) I’m also mulling over that choice and whether or not that influenced how i was percieved/ treated in my audition? Did I compromise  the ability to be seen as a co-worker by pretending to ” be” working?  Or did I do my best with what I had as I tried my best to tell the story???

My point is it is really difficult frankly to find joy in being considered for a role, and also in feeling confident in my work while I am being considered for it.

I am grateful that I can at least find joy in participating in auditioning and learning from it.