So I’ve been trying to do the “being more specific” thing i was talking about last week. and i’m not going to lie it’s been pretty hard.

A ) hard to make specific “intentions”. I can make a great to do list just fine  but what’s my intention overall?? What am I intending to do when i send an email, when i browse facebook, when I’m in class? Is super hard to figure out

2)  Hard to press on knowing what might have to change

This week in acting class I got caught up in feeling angry and disgruntled that i was being directed. Happy to work with the teacher/director don’t get me wrong- but mad at myself that i couldn’t just conjure up the feeling they wanted, not sure what the feeling WAS that they wanted, and basically mad that I NEEDED to be directed.  ( this seems to be a recurring theme)

which is a bit of a one way ticket to pity party

Instead of looking at it from- there’s more of myself that I can learn to reveal, to understand, accept, to allow myself to grow into, and maybe they like hat im doing alreadyy? – I shut down and went into protection mode. Who am I- all these people can do this better than me, who even am i in comparison to them?  blah blah blah.

Im not going to lie- this comes up again and again for me.

People on social media. I mean I don’t have half as interesting of things to share as ___ does? Or am half as photogenic as -_____ so FINE i won’t post this picture or that.

I won’t make a specific intention, or go after what I want or take what’s mine.

. xIn a pilot season where I’m not really doing anything acting wise except class I can at least know that  this frustration is good, and that I am rust busting these thoughts and comparisons.

But the work is hard.