so it’s been a ridiculous week and try as I might to get back to int to the route of things I can’t decided if I need to or not or i actually want to be in the living
So Monday my dad texted me asking me if I could come home to put my dog down. Now this isn’t exactly a memory i care to revisit in any shape or form but will do so for the sake of sharing.
It was very difficult to say goodbye but was made easier by my dad ( a police officer)’s ease at saying good bye. Our dog was very loved and everything confirmed this. we took him for a little walk gave him lots of cuddles and hugs and. As I cried into fur it reminded me of times in the past I’ve cried and he’s been there loving me unconditionally.
The vet was really comfortating and knew exactly what to say to, telling me if i had to leave thats the right thing to do, theres no right or wrong way to do it. My dad and I sat and held Quigon for along time before he got his catheter in and after telling him how much we loved him. Then she did the injection o nhis favourite blanket, and he didn’t try to fight it at all. He went very peacefully, whicch reaffrirmed it was the right thing to do . My dad and I went out for vietnamese food and drank a glss of wine to celebrate his life and when we came home my mom had gotten rid of all of his things, whch wsa really unnerving.
So of course the next day I had an audition.
I wasn’t feeling like myself on the skytrain. I had a chiro appointment and then the audition and frankly i couldn’t do it. I mean literally i was feeling out of my mind like ” how do people handle these things” why can’t i be more composed feel clearer or more ready. Why does doing 2 things this morning feel so overwhelming? I wanted to cry but i couldn’t. So i put my headphones on and founda grief meditation on youtube and walking around a parking lot near the skytrain cried my face off. It was a great release personally, and professionally. I told the chiropractor i wasn’t going to be able to make it ( probably could have at least tried) and went to my audition..
I’m reading a book right now called Coming Alive- written by two hollywood psychologists who say in times like these its better to reach out and connect rahter than contract and conserve our energy. Did i do wrong? Set myself up for failure? It’s not like i stayed in bed for the next week or something …It’s hard the grief thing. Moving on is hard enough without placing limitations on ourselves. Like the vet said, there’s no right or wrong way to do this thing.. but its hard to convince ourselves of that
Some good news came this week
1)i have a little nephew, Harrison Shaw, who i got to meet over the weekend. What a joy to be around him i don’t think i’ve ever been around a newborn before!
2) editing has begun on my short film
3) yvette and I helped each other learn our lines for our audition ( which we annoyingly got the same audition for)
4) The audition went well
5) i got juror summons and was able to get out of it! Story for another week.
As you can maybe gather i am about ready to go rest for approximiately 400 years, but its really difficult to know- is that a inability to cope? or is that my actual needed way of life ya know?
its all difficult to say . til next time folks