So last week I wrote the following neurotic post which
” I was back in class today. ( editors note: a new class)
Argh.
I got stopped and started a million times.  I was breathing funny and embarassing myself, and it may have ben a self fufilling prophesy ( “oh wait til that guy in class sees that I’m a fraud and my ego is based in nothing grounded in acting “, or “wait til they THEY SEE I CANT HOLD THIS CHARACTER.” I was so into performing I didnt even look at my scene partner!  I was so into doing my own thing i didn’t generate any type of connection. Frankly I was coming across a bit boring. But there is more there. I can be less grangly ( i look ridiculous on camera!) . I can be more engaged with my partner, get more off them.I can open myself up to it.Very confusing day.”

Yesterday I was in class again, and it went better this time. In fact dare I say it, I had fun! My hair still looked like a mess ( I really need to primp  it up and check in the mirror ONE LAST TIME before I go one) and i dont know how much i got from my partner, and how much i was just congratulating myself on each time i was crying etc BUT IT WAS BETTER) I got those big ol crocodile tears out thats for sure. Gotta give myself more permission to talk and move . But look at me, all full of ideas.

It’s inspired. THIS IS GOOD. Two years ago I couldn’t have done this scene convincingly AT ALL.  So, I can say I have progressed.

But man oh man do I have a lot to do.

DAMN. This week i met some woman sketch comedians and went and saw their show-  fucking hell were they ever good at what they did . I’m like how do you do what are you doing? So free and giving on stage. Lacking self consciousness to engage with the audience. OH YEAH AND THEY WRITE THEIR OWN STUFF. Damn. I was majorly impressed.

I should note where i met them two was outside an  an improv class I’ve been going to for the last weeks on Thursday nights.  The class has been SO SO SO up my alley.  Yes, I have been keen to let the others take the reins instead of putting something forth myself making me feel like im barely contributing – making me feel like AHHHH i need to take 300 more improv classes to get there- but have had alot of laughs so far and I am thankful for being there. I even ran into a friend who was at the last acting studio I was in! So random, but great to have other actors in the space too.

That was a lot of info- in short, I feel like i am in a good space to grow right now. And I am trying not to be impatient or angry with myself for how I am progressing, or for that matter HOW I AM PERFORMING.  I am in some good places right now and that’s all that matters. I have a scene for next week in my acting class that I am SO SO SO excited about and heck even a cute scene partner!

Shape me to your will universe